Cody Murphy

parents liked their partner better before knowing the two were lovers. After the parents learned of the lesbian relationship, things changed. Forty-three percent of the mothers and 11% of the fathers who later discovered the lesbian relationship were perceived as disliking the partner when they found out about the sexual relationship between the women. But the lesbian women reported that their parents were more positive toward their partners at the time of the study than they had been when they first found out about the nature of the relationship.

This finding suggests three things. First, parental attitudes toward lesbianism overshadow particular feelings about the partner. When someone who has previously been defined as friend is first seen as lover, parental attitudes toward the person may shift without there being any noticeable change in the behavior of that person. Second, as Ryder, Kafka, and Olson (1971) pointed out, parents eventually try "to cut their losses"; that is, parents will be more approving and accepting of the partner when they realize she is here to stay. Third, when a woman first begins to identify herself as lesbian, she goes through a time during which she struggles against negative societal stereotypes about homosexuality and lesbianism before she can affirm a positive lesbian identity. It is reasonable to expect that her parents may engage in a similar struggle and that, with time and new information which challenges their negative views of lesbianism, they are able to develop a positive image of both their daughter and her lover.

How do her parents' attitudes toward her partner affect the lesbian woman and her feelings about her partner? A few of the respondents mentioned that positive parental opinions of their partners enhanced their partners in their own eyes. One respondent stated: "It helps that my mother loves my partner because it makes me feel good about my decision to love her" (Respondent 122). Another lesbian woman stated: "Before I came out to my mother, I would distance myself from my lover after a conversation with my mother-blaming her in part for making me a lesbian, for causing the rift between me and my mother" (Respondent 114).

However, this enhancement of the partner because of parental approval seems to be overshadowed by the importance the lesbian women place on the act of affirming their lesbianism to their parents. The respondents were being asked about how their parents' attitudes toward their partner affected the lesbian couple relationship, yet they frequently responded by speaking of the importance of the simple fact of parental knowledge of, or knowledge and acceptance of, the lesbian relationship. This, together with the earlier finding about the change in parental attitudes toward the partner upon learning of the lesbian relationship, suggests the preeminence of parental attitudes toward the lesbianism over other parental feelings toward the specific partner.

Parental Attitudes Toward

the Lesbian Life-Style

As might be expected, given the prevailing social attitudes toward lesbianism, parental attitudes toward their daughters' lesbianism were more negative than were parental attitudes toward the partner. Only one in three (30%) of the lesbian women said that both her parents approved of her life-style. The questionnaire asked women if their parents "approve" or "disapprove" of their lesbianism. Half of the women who said that their parents approved of the lesbianism spontaneously crossed out the word approve and wrote in the word accept. The respondents were asked how their parents' attitudes

48

toward their lesbianism affected the couple. Approximately 50% said that their parents' attitudes helped the lesbian relationship; 20% said that it hindered the relationship; and 30% said that it had no effect on their relationship. The finding that 50% said their parents' attitudes helped the relationship is interesting in light of the fact that 70% of the participants reported that their parents disapprove of their lesbianism.

How does parental disapproval of their daughters' lesbianism help the lesbian couple?

One woman reported that having to cope with parental rejection of her life-style drew her and her partner closer together. For others, it seems that just being open about the relationship, regardless of parental attitudes, was helpful.

But parental disapproval of her lesbianism can hurt the daughter's couple relationship. One woman stated: "When I internalize it and feel bad about myself, then it is hard to be close, vulnerable, and involved" (Respondent 106). Another respondent, who indicated that her father disapproves of her lesbianism, reported that she and her lover felt so much conflict about seeing her father that they would fight with each other "over any stupid thing" before visiting him (Respondent 120). Another respondent said that her parents' disapproval of her lesbianism led her to separate from her partner for a short time before she began living with her: "I didn't really accept myself and the relationship for the first eight years we lived together" (Respondent 134).

On the positive side, women who felt some parental support of their lesbianism said parental acceptance helped the couple by encouraging the women to be more self-accepting, by enhancing the value of their partners in their own eyes, and by validating their couple relationship. One respondent said:

My mother's attitude towards lesbianism has definitely enhanced our relationship. She is accepting and more than accepting, she is proud, pleased with our relationship. She treats my partner like a member of her family and like we are a couple. Naturally we enjoy being with her, and it has made us feel "legitimate," included and "validated." She even sends us gifts on our anniversary-designer sheets last year-incredible, isn't she? (Respondent 120)

The respondent cited above is typical of the lesbian woman who feels grateful for what most heterosexual couples take for granted: being treated as a couple and being given designer sheets.

DISCUSSION

I had hypothesized that what a lesbian woman believed her parents felt about her partner, her lesbianism, or both would have an effect on the lesbian couple. The study indicated that this was true: The perception of her parents' attitudes toward her partner, her lesbianism, or both do have an impact on the lesbian woman's couple relationship. The study also revealed the positive impact on the couple that the women attributed to having disclosed their lesbian identity to their parents, even in the face of parental disapproval.

This section discusses some of the possible reasons why most of the respondents maintained that the adverse consequences of parental disapproval are overshadowed by the benefits to the couple; these are benefits that these women attribute to their decision to affirm their lesbian identity and to acknowledge the nature of their couple relationship by "coming out" to their parents. The discussion focuses on (a) the negative impact of secrecy on the couple, (b) the fact that lesbian couples often

JOURNAL OF COUNSELING & DEVELOPMENT SEPTEMBER/OCTOBER 1989 VOL. 68

downplay parental disapproval, (c) the positive effect on the couple that derives from having an integrated, self-affirmed lesbian identity with parents, and (d) the importance of the recognition of, if not approval of, lesbian couple relationships by parents.

Impact of Secrecy

on the Couple

The overwhelming majority of people in this country perceive lesbianism as sick, immoral, or criminal. Therefore, to be a lesbian woman in our culture is to be a victim of stigma and discrimination. It is no wonder that a large majority of lesbian women choose not to disclose their lesbianism and feel that they are hiding their sexual orientation from one or both of their parents.

The management of a lesbian identity, either in keeping it secret or in disclosing it fully or selectively, is an interactional process that reciprocally influences all the parties in the interaction. The ways in which this information is managed may be as much related to larger family issues as to the very real and extreme social consequences for the individual of revealing her lesbian identity (Roth & Murphy, 1986). Although the lesbian women often responded to questions about how parental attitudes affected their relationship with their partners by reporting about how "coming out" affected their relationships with their parents, this study did not focus on the mutual interactions within the family but simply questioned the effects of parental attitudes on the lesbian couple itself.

The secret impacts on the lesbian couple and their parents in a number of ways. To maintain the secret in such large areas of her emotional life, the lesbian woman often reports feeling distant, anxious, and awkward in her communications with her parents. She frequently does not see her parents as often as she used to and reports feeling isolated from meaningful family contact. What closeness exists is considered pseudocloseness, because a relevant piece of information is missing.

For their part, her parents may notice the discomfort and isolation on the part of the secretive lesbian daughter and respond with uncharacteristic invasions into the woman's life, or as is more frequently the case, with mutual withdrawal (Roth, 1985). Although the lesbian woman's withdrawal is often couched as protection of the parents: sensitivity to parental vulnerability ("My father would have a heart attack"); her fear of being cut off ("They would never speak to me again"); or her notion that her parents don't want to know ("If they wanted to know, they would ask") what is perceived by the parents is often just the distance and withdrawal. Their response to this affects the lesbian woman in a typical feedback loop.

The lesbian respondents indicated that, before disclosing their lesbian identity to their parents, the lack of openness with their parents about one area in their lives affected their interactions with their partners. As one respondent shared, the secretiveness, withholding, and deception can "spill over" into the lesbian couple relationship and negatively influence the couple's communication and intimacy.

Downplaying Parental Disapproval

After disclosing the secret, most of the lesbian women reported that their parents had negative responses to their lesbianism and the couple relationship. Although one might expect that parental disapproval would have a damaging effect on the couple relationship, some of the respondents indicated that

Lesbian Couples and Their Parents

parental disapproval was helpful to the lesbian relationship. Furthermore, in spite of the amount of parental disapproval of their lesbianism (70% had either one or both parents who disapproved) and the fact that the respondents gave many examples of how their parents' disapproval hurt their couple relationships, only 20% of the women said that their parents' attitudes had an overall negative effect on their lesbian couple relationship.

It could be argued that, because all of the women in this study had already "come out" to their parents, they might need to justify this to themselves, and they they engaged in cognitive dissonance reduction through a technique called bolstering. Simply stated, Festinger (1957) maintained that, after making a decision and acting on it, people experience dissonance. Cognitions about any negative attributes of the choice are dissonant with having chosen it; cognitions about positive attributes of the unchosen alternative are dissonant with not having chosen it. Through bolstering, the person magnifies or emphasizes the positive features of the chosen alternative. The inconsistency remains, and the person is still aware of the negative consequences, but they are made more acceptable because they have been overshadowed or drowned out by the positive ones.

The lesbian respondents who said that their parents disapproved of their life-style, their partner, or both, yet maintained that this helped their relationship because it brought the couple closer together and helped clarify their choice, were possibly attempting to reduce the dissonance resulting from telling their parents.

Positive Effect on the Couple

of an Affirmed Lesbian Identity

Society's disapproving and sometimes hostile reaction to women's lesbianism can lead to internalized homophobia (i.e., the individual's acceptance and internalization of society's negative attitudes about the lesbian self). This can result in guilt, fear, self-hatred, and, as one participant indicated, even hatred of the partner "for making me a lesbian." This internalized homophobia can frequently lead to problems for the couple. The literature on "coming out" indicates that not only does disclosing one's sexual orientation foster the development of a cohesive self-identity but also that having an open identity as a gay man or lesbian woman across life contexts improves one's self-esteem (Cass, 1979; Dank, 1971; Hencken & O'Dowd, 1977; Moses, 1978; Ponse, 1978). Coleman (1981/1982) and Gonsiorek (1982) suggested that overall psychological adjustment is enhanced by "coming out." Self-disclosure to valued others, such as parents, is crucial to lesbian self-acceptance (Sophie, 1988). The preceding studies were focusing on the effect of "coming out" on the individual, not on the couple. Certainly, however, a lesbian woman's improved self-esteem and overall psychological adjustment will have a positive effect on her relationship with her partner.

The respondents reported that parental knowledge of their lesbianism enabled them to feel both better about themselves and about their partners. This may not always be the case, however. It should be emphasized that, although the parents were often disapproving and some of the women in this study reported that they saw their parents less frequently after "coming out," there was not one reported instance of total parental rejection of the lesbian woman. Furthermore, all of the women who participated in this study had partners who were "out" to their parents as well. Although studies indicate that positive self-esteem derives from "coming out" to parents and suggests

JOURNAL OF COUNSELING & DEVELOPMENT SEPTEMBER/OCTOBER 1989. VOL. 68

49